The Art of the Fine

The day before we began our expedition, while lazily sitting around the pool at the Airways Hotel in Port Moresby listening to our pre-trip briefing by Mick O’Malley (owner/operator of Australia Kokoda Tours) he ended his segment by introducing the “fines” system that he was going to enforce as part of our adventure.   Not sure I heard him correctly – did he say fines system??    I could tell by the look on the faces around me that not everyone was thrilled by this new turn of events especially given that we had (some might have believed at that point in time rather foolishly) paid such a significant amount already to take part in this expedition, if you include the tour fees, insurance, purchase of your equipment, medical examinations, assorted pills……the list goes on and on; and now we were also on the hook to also pay fines……?    It felt a bit like being on the HMS Bounty and Captain Bligh at the helm – no one was convinced or particularly over-thrilled at the thought of being fined on top of what we had already paid to be here.   Mick quickly added that the fines would go toward the porters as a tip at the end of the trip.   There was definitely an air of “we’ll see” that permeated the end of the meeting as we quietly disbanded and went back to our mates to chat about our upcoming adventure, but nary a word was spoken about the fines…… interesting I thought to myself.

Justin (a.k.a Arab)

So with this as the backdrop, each night Justin Abrams (a.k.a Arab) gathered us just before dinner and went around the circle to ask each of us about our fines for the day – fairly straight forward on the first night in Deniki as everyone was a little quiet and still getting to know the other.  So Arab decided to fine himself and Mick to get the ball rolling – nice touch.   The average fine was 5Kina (PNG currency which is equivalent to around $2.50 AUD).   Still not a lot of action in the fine department, but clearly it was early days and with a modest sum on the books the main talk was of “who was going to take the first fall?”    With the recipient of the first fall having to pay 20Kina it upped the ante considerably, as well as the anxiety of many in the group……..me included.   

The view from Deniki village - note
the Kokoda airstrip in the far off distance

As Day two dawned over the beautiful Eora Creek valley and faraway Kokoda airstrip some five kilometers distant it was with some trepidation that we began our hike out of the village.  Surprisingly to some, but not to those that know me well, less than 10 minutes into the morning hike I achieved what no-one else had yet done – fell ass over on the track!  Now caked in mud and hoping above hope that someone else had fallen before me I was destined for a rather humiliating call out at that night’s tribal council – bugger I thought to myself as I struggled to my feet and tried to get some of the thickly caked mud off my arms and legs.  

Sure enough, Justin started off the meeting by relating the story of how he had personally witnessed Terence falling – clearly he was first down no question….   Fortunately for me Mick came to my rescue and mentioned that he had witnessed a fall by Mark Lindorff earlier that morning as well.   So now there was just a glimmer of hope that perhaps I hadn’t been the first – back and forward it went with embarrassing eye witness accounts flooding the floor for each of us, each one better than the last and getting bigger and more exaggerated by the minute.    God at this rate, we’ll be more famous than Laurel & Hardy I thought.   I just had to intervene and nip this in the bud, rather stupidly in hindsight……I posed a question to Arab and Mick “well can you give me the definition of a fall cos I’m not sure I actually fell”…….   If ever the consultant spoke too soon it was now, and I was summarily fined and because I had contested the fall with such a crap defense the fine was now doubled thank you very much……40Kina - ouch!  

A lesson learned the hard way – but at least I was a comic relief for the group and now everyone seemed to ease a bit and the fines began to flow hard and fast.   At a later juncture in the expedition I personally fined Arab for his ugly choice of socks – each day he donned uglier long socks than the day before, always with hoops…..one day Geelong socks (blue and white hoops), another the Crows (ugly yellow, blue and red hoops) in any event he took it well and paid his 5Kina fine.   All square mate but whose counting J

Chris Packer (a.k.a Ralph) and Ash Harrison on break

Our fines system brought forth some notable and notorious transgressors, who both fined others and were, fined on a daily basis themselves.   A couple of names that come to mind Chris Packer (respectable tax accountant by day and hapless victim of the ever increasing fines by night) – we named him “Ralph” after a couple of days due to his uncanny ability to gather fines like a local would collect bananas.   Why Ralph you ask?    Easy…… Ralph Fiennes.    That’s Mr. Fines to you!    He was a constant source of hilarity over the course of the trip, racking up fine after fine each day, always self deprecating and willing to take it on the chin – good on you Ralphy.    

Mark Patterson (a.k.a Patto) with Bren gun at Isurava museum

Another of the colorful characters that we got to know pretty well was Mark Patterson.   In his real life “Patto” is the CEO of the Ballarat Roosters in the Victorian Football League (professional Australian Rules football league).  Patto’s motivation for coming on the trip; other than his desire to test himself physically and mentally was to join an elite group of people who have completed the trek along with their spouse.  Patto’s wife had done it the year before and raved about the experience, not to be left out Patto (who had a rather dodgy knee – full replacement a decade earlier) was determined to also complete it.   It was evident that he was a character when at our first tribal council at Deniki on that fateful second night when he produced from his pocket a cigarette butt that he found on the track earlier in the day.   Leaning heavily on his extensive CSI skills (directly from the TV show) and noting that the butt was relatively fresh, not sodden like everything else on the jungle floor and clearly surmised that one of our group had obviously smoked it.  As well, during the day he quietly observed that there were two smokers in the group and it could only one of two people.   So it was with this circumstantial, and some might say flimsy evidence that he rather sheepishly called out Barry Standfield (a.k.a. Big Baz) as the culprit……gutsy move considering Baz was close to 6’4’’ and over 220lbs.   Baz had been a well known professional football player and just a tad intimidating as he starred at Patto incredulously, at which point Patto now seemed to momentarily waiver in his conviction……, but after a couple of tense seconds, Baz smiled, agreed it was likely him and didn’t contest the fine – everyone roared with laughter and a wave of relief broke over Patto’s face, but from that point on he became, like Ralph a lightning rod for fines each day.  

We were quickly to learn that the group had many characters (we’ll hear more about them in future blogs – yes, you know who you are….) but each day both Patto (smiling his toothy grin) and Ralphy laughed off fine after fine, often contesting and losing (which doubled the fines) but relishing the laughter and camaraderie that it brought to the group.   They quite adeptly worked out that to really get the group to gel and function effectively was a good dose of laughter.   This daily ritual (tribal council) was to become one of the centerpieces to our day’s activities with everyone looking forward to reliving the day through the “fines” stories.   Well done boys.

On the bus ride back from Owers Corner (end of our expedition), our final fines were tallied – Ralphy and Patto clearly led the way with a significant amount of Kina each against their names, but as with all our experiences on the track, where everything was shared it was quickly agreed to that we should also share the collective cost of the fines and we all happily paid 50Kina each for the privilege.  

In all, Mick had gathered an additional 1250Kina as a tip for the porters and that bus journey back to Port Moresby was full of laughter and reminiscences of the fines and the situations that brought them about.     Who would have thought that the fines program would be one of the best parts of the trip?